The First Day of the Rest of My Life?

I just saw today that, for a woman my height, 5'8", the ideal weight range is from 126 to 154 lbs.

Now, I know this. I wasn't born yesterday. I knew inside my head that I could lose half of myself and still be "a big girl". But something about that statistic and what's been going on in my head recently brought it home to me.

I weigh 295 lbs. I just weighed a minute ago, though I know that one of the tricks of the "diet" trade is to weigh yourself in the morning -- post-potty break, of course -- so you're at your lowest possible volume. Sadly, that's actually down a few pounds.

Thus, I could truly lose half of myself and still be at the upper end of my ideal weight range. That...troubles me.

Most of the time, I feel fine. I like myself. I'm told I have a pretty face, though God only knows if that's true. I have good friends and I've rarely met a stranger. I'm not socially backward, but I'm not overbearing, either, so I feel comfortable and confident in a public setting

I get out and do things. There's rarely a night that I'm home when I don't want to be.

But...those things I do are usually pretty sedentary. Go to the movies. Watch movies at a friend's house. Go out and eat, ye gods. Occasionally mini golf or bowling or, Lord help and please us, walking. But that's very rare. Mostly, I go to someone else's house and sit or someone comes to my house and sits.

And at home? More of the same, only worse. Yup, I wanna be a writer, which means HOURS at the keyboard while my butt spreads. And I have an extensive movie collection, though I'm proud to say that I don't watch much television besides football.

These are not excuses, mind you. These are obstacles that I must overcome. These are the hard parts, the things that must change for me to have any hope of success. These are the things that even the people who love me won't necessarily want me to change, though they want me to be healthy as well as happy.

And I have to change. I hate it, because I fear I'll lose some of the best parts of myself. Right now, I'm one of the most laid-back, easy-going people you'll meet. I'm afraid -- and this sounds stupid now that I'm putting it to paper, so to speak -- that once I activate myself, I'll turn into one of those competition-eating, Type A freaks who can't stop and can't let anyone else stop. I know a few of those. I just shake my head when they twitch by.

I'm afraid that if I do lose weight, I'll lose who I am. I don't want to turn into a slut (not that I don't get offers as it is) or a fashion plate (I hate to shop) or an anorexic (skin and bones would go terribly with my hair) or, God save me, a bimbo.

I want to keep the best parts of me. Which is why, to start this whole mess out, I've started doing tae bo aerobics. I've always wanted to try martial arts, and what better way to tiptoe in than to lose weight first? Admittedly, I started tonight, and it was tough to get through...the instructional video. The poor guy's trying to teach form and technique for nearly 40 minutes, and I'm already sweating. Not puffing too badly, but definitely sweating.

He's all, "Now, lean until you have 80% of your weight on your right leg", and I did a quick calculation and muttered, "No wonder I feel like I'm gonna topple over! That's like 240 lbs on one friggin leg!"

But I did it. All the way through. Even the cool down. And it wasn't so bad. I'll do the instructional video for a while -- months? -- until I have it down pat before moving to the next level. See, the cool thing about martial arts is control. And that what I need right now, because for the past months or even years, I've felt so out of control.

I want it back. I want to control every movement my stupid body makes, bad knee or no bad knee. Flat feet or no flat feet. Take that, stupid body.

So, I'll cut way back on food, and I'll try to be honest about what I've eaten in a day here. Plus, I'll do an at least weekly weigh-in, though I'll shoot for daily. Sometimes I get busy with friends and writing and football, but I will try to at least slap up a daily total, maybe even a +/- total.

I'll also try to say at least one thing in every post that I like about myself that I hope doesn't change. Nothing physical, because the things I want to change will, the things I can't change won't, and the things I like had damn well better stay put. But something about my personality that is me.

Hopefully, that'll be inspirational and keep me grounded if this whole mess works out. However, I'm also not counting on it, because one of the things that tickles me about myself (but that I wouldn't mind changing) is that there's a big ol' core of solid spite in me that tends to want to kick free of all traces, even the ones I put on myself. It's already whispering that I don't have to worry about failing miserably because there's that handy "delete this blog?" button at the bottom of the options screen. Sometimes, I think it's this voice that keeps me from making any real progress -- or even trying these past couple of years.

Sometimes, I think it's the one that secretly dares me to dream about what it would be like to look like everyone else. To be able to walk into a store and pick out regular-sized clothes. Little things.

So, for now, I'll keep that voice and the scant comfort it brings about that delete button. But I'll also feel good that I did that whole video without a break and without losing the ability to count along as I punched and kicked. And that I'm still flexible enough, even at almost 300 lbs. to reach my toes when the guy says, "It's okay if you can't reach your toes."

So yeah. Hopefully, today is the first day of the rest of my life. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. Maybe that's how I'll title these entries -- Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, etc. Ya think?